Barbecued Manatees for Charity!

Welcome friends, come in, sit down, have a munch of the Buffalo seagull wings. Thank you so much for attending our informational meeting.

As you all know, here in the cafe, we're big fans of southern cooking. Grits, cornbread, all the good stuff. And as anyone raised in the South in the last hundred years knows, there is precisely one correct way to prepare Southern food.

Fried.

With lots of grease.

Now it has come to our attention that not all regions of the United States are so blessed with culinary wisdom. Take California, for example. Lots of stuff out there that Paula Deen just wouldn't use.

Arugula. Tofu. Sushi. (OK, Paula would use that one, but only as bait for catching catfish.)

The Barbecued Manatee Cafe is dedicated to spreading cuisinal knowledge worldwide, so we want to help remedy the tragic imbalance in the Golden State. To do so, we need your help.

Starting today, the Barbecued Manatee Cafe is proud to be leading the charge for food freedom to California. Ladies and gentlemen, please help us with this noble cause:

CRISCO TO FRISCO.

Yes, that's right, In order to bring the land of the Beach Boys, Stanford and Schwartzenegger up to the culinary standards of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Georgia Tech and Paula, we are embarking on a crusade to donate 100,000 tons of America's favorite shortening to the City by the Bay. We want to teach San Franciscans the joys of chicken-fried steak, fried cheese, fried fish, even fried Twinkies.

We hope to follow in the footsteps of successful programs in other cities such as Frostin' to Boston, Chili to Philly and our Minnesota chefs' spectacular Fruit to Dulut'. (But the less said about the Tabbouleh to Ashtabula fiasco, the better).

Let's face it, all those San Fran folks are way too skinny. They look too much like those subversive Euro types if you ask me. They need some good old-fashioned, artery-clogging fat to make 'em true Americans.

Won't you please help? We can't make our goal without you. It's easy to donate. Just buy a can of Crisco(TM) the next time you go to the grocery store. Then send it, postage paid, to Crisco(TM) To Frisco, c/o Sous Chef Ugotta B. Kiddin, The Barbecued Manatee Cafe. We'll do the rest. Although your contribution isn't tax deductible, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you helped someone who may well have been denied the joys of fried goods their entire life.

And friends, keep in mind this is a pilot program. If this succeeds, we have an even more exciting project waiting in the wings for next year:

GREASE TO GREECE.

Thank you and please give generously!